How to deal with sexual frustration(Understanding the 3 Stages of Intimacy by David Deida)

 

All of us have thought about what is our ideal sexual relationship with a woman. And very few of us even get the woman we want. Almost all of us suffer with not getting the sexual fulfillment we want as well. We have this restless desire to just fuck. Whether it would be fucking a stranger, fling, long-term partner, or wife, we don’t know how to unleash this restless desire.

As men, this restless desire may be seen as neediness. And that makes us feel stupid and desperate. But the truth is that it is okay to feel a little needy. We just have to accept the fact that deep down inside there is something more that we want. And that is having a fulfilling sex life.

In today’s society and culture, we may feel that it's very difficult to express this sexual desire of ours. Being a sexual man is seen as predatory and creepy. This makes us feel that we have to repress our sexual desire in order to be accepted. So what exactly do we do with this restless sexual desire?

Do we ignore it? Absolutely not. We must cultivate and set free this restless desire. The more we repress this desire, the more sexually frustrated we will become.  As men, this restless desire is part of the masculine energy that is inherent within each of us. And this masculine energy is what attracts and draws the feminine towards us. Read more about masculine and feminine energies here. 

If we want to attract the right woman into our life, then we must be comfortable animating this masculine energy. Women with natural and inherent feminine energies within them will want to receive masculine energy. They want to be loved in a masculine way. What is the best way to learn about this masculine and feminine dynamic? Through the 3 stages of Intimacy, detailed by David Deida in his book Intimate Communion.

 

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Stage 1 is called the dependant relationship. And couples are dependant on each other based on the roles they play in the relationship. Stage 2 is called the 50/50 relationship, and couple are in a relationship where their independent selves can thrive. Stage 3 is Intimate Communion, and this is the stage that all modern men can aspire to be at eventually. 

Why is Stage 3 something that modern men can aspire to be at? Because it promises limitless and ecstatic sexual experiences. Stage 1 and 2 intimacies contain sexual energies as well. However, the satisfaction that these stages bring can never reach the height of a Stage 3 intimacy.

Stage 3 Intimate Communion is the stage where our masculine energy can be fully unleashed without limits. It is a form of intimacy achieved through surrender and trust. It requires practice and is a discipline we can all achieve. 

Each of us has been in a dependent relationship before. Or at the very least witnessed someone in one. We see the man playing the boyfriend/husband role, and we also see the woman playing the girlfriend/wife role. In this relationship, the man can become very needy and sexually frustrated. Why?

Because in this relationship the man loves his woman primarily by performing the boyfriend/husband role. And the woman accepts this love by equally playing her part of the wife/girlfriend role. Both man and woman expect their needs to be met based on how well they perform their roles. And this includes sexual needs.

For the man stuck in first-stage intimacy, first-stage is the only way he knows how to fulfill his sexual needs. The man’s role has been constructed through his early childhood experiences.
He only knows that when he does these things well, he then expects to receive sex from his woman. 

Over time, the first-stage man realizes that he has become too dependent on these things. In order to fulfill his sexual needs, he feels obligated to perform. What if he’s tired of playing the boyfriend/husband role? What if he’s not really a good boyfriend/husband?

 

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This uncertainty is also coupled with the fact that the woman also feels tired playing her wife/girlfriend role. She also feels obligated to perform as a good girlfriend/wife. She hates feeling like a sexual performer for her first-stage male partner. And so naturally, the sexual things she does for her partner becomes less and less.

The lack of intimacy between partners grow as they start resenting the dependant relationship that they’re in. As a man in this kind of relationship, we feel our sexual frustration growing. How do we get out of this relationship? Is our sex life supposed to be based on how well we perform the boyfriend/husband role? Absolutely not. And so we decide that this is a toxic relationship.

But even the acceptance of the toxicity of this relationship is not enough. We don’t know how to let go of something we’ve grown so dependant on. We also hate that we’ve become needy and dependant on sex. Its very painful for us. Eventually the pain reaches a threshold, and we are forced to find a way to leave such a relationship.

Most of us have to live through such a life-sucking 1st stage relationship for us to realize that we can’t be dependent on our partner to fulfill our needs. And from this insight we decide we have to focus and rely on ourselves to fulfill our needs.

As men begin to discover themselves, they form their own self-identities. We learn to be emotionally and physically independent based on these self-identities. We also understand how important these identities are to others because of how important our identities are to us. And so we start looking for a new type of woman. We start learning to seek women who have authentic selves, and who will love our authentic selves as well. And so these men enter a relationship that is based on protecting and honoring these self-proclaimed selves: which for many men and women could kill the passion in a relationship.

Every man who wanted to avoid the toxic 1st stage intimacy found new purpose through focusing on their inner selves. A 2nd stage man begins to take pride in being his new self, and he also wants to love a woman who is proud of her own self-developed self. Neither the 2nd stage man or woman wants to regress back into 1st stage dependency.

And why would they? 2nd stage feels like a utopia as it allows us to live and love others by being our authentic selves. In our modern culture of individualism, this is the reason why 2nd stage is the preferred dynamic of relationships. There’s more transparency, and more communication. Each partner wants to love the other by honoring their partner’s self-proclaimed self.

But the reason why 2nd stage men can’t meet their sexual needs isn’t because of the lack of communication, or not honoring their partner's self well enough. It has to do with the blocking of sexual polarity of masculine and feminine energies. (Sexual polarity is the force that pulls the masculine and feminine toward each other). 2nd stage men with natural masculine energies can’t experience that unguarded fiery sexual passion with a woman that animates masculine energy all the time.

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Masculine and masculine both repel each other. 2nd stage men will feel unattracted to their 2nd stage women who hold onto their self-developed masculine energy. And so the question is why are women holding onto this masculine energy in a relatioship? Are 2nd stage women just pure stubborn? Not necessarily. It is important to understand that this self-developed masculine energy has helped many women to be independent and successful, and help them learn to compete and survive in their professional lives.

The self-image of a independent and successful woman is a proud one. So why would a 2nd stage woman want to let go of the masculine energy that helped define who she is? This is the struggle that 2nd stage men face. 

Is it selfish if i ask my woman to be more feminine and submit to me? I know i want more in my sex life, but I don’t want to destroy the mutual respect we have for each other’s self-identities. I want to guard and protect this new respectful male identity that I have become. I don’t want to risk going back to not having a self-identity I can rely on. 

This type of guarded thinking is what prevents 2nd stage men from expressing their restless desire. And it is scary to think that our restless desire could destroy the newfound 2nd stage purpose we have found. It is scary to think that asserting this restless sexual desire might have others think that we’re needy, disrespectful, and misogynistic men. 

There are many men and women who may defend the merits of a 2nd stage relationship, however it does not fully allow sexual polarity to flow unguardedly. 

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And so you can see how 1st and 2nd stage relationships don’t work out for certain men. It is because of this that I believe the vast majority of men with natural masculine energies want to experience a 3rd stage intimacy.

Like I mentioned in the beginning of this article, 3rd stage Intimate Communion is about practicing surrender and trust. It is something that requires practice from both partners. Where 1st stage people can be seen as co-dependents, and 2nd stage partners as co-independants: third stage partners can be seen as co-practitioners.

First of all, why practice surrendering? Surrendering means to open up to life’s experiences. It means being vulnerable. This can be scary for 1st stage men, as this could be perceived as losing control as a man, and to let things flow naturally. This can also be scary for 2nd stage men because they don’t want to experience hurt and pain outside the boundaries they have set for themselves. They have felt the pain before in a 1st stage experience and so they seek comfort in their well-regulated 2nd stage environments. 

But surrendering and being open is also a good thing. By being open we can receive the gift of feminine energy from our partner, in the form of loving actions. We can also then practice giving the gifts of masculine energies to our partner. This practice of giving and receiving of love gifts is Intimate Communion. 

There has to be openness. It is through openness that the 3rd stage man can release his restless desire in the form of gifts. It is through openness that a 3rd stage man will no longer fear his desire being rejected and shot down. The 3rd Stage man knows that there is no other way to live. He is confident in expressing his desire to the fullest, whether or not the world will accept it or reject it. 

Intimacy for the 3rd Stage man transcends into a full life experience. Sex is no longer defined by his dependence for it(as in the 1st stage), or his guardedness of it (as in the 2nd stage). Sex is experienced bodily, emotionally and spiritually.

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By now you’re probably still sexually frustrated and wondering what is 3rd stage intimacy/ Intimate Communion. I would be to. 
Or maybe not. Maybe you did understand everything that I wrote.

You understand that sexual frustration is not just the mere lack of sex. It is the control and repression of your natural masculine energy. It is your masculine energy trying to claw its way out, but can’t find a way. Sexual frustration is the inability to relax into your masculine energy and letting it flow.

But your understanding of this message will not have direct impact on your life: unless you start learning to practice these concepts in your life. Do not read this article and regress back into old habits. Do not turn your back on the door to 3rd Stage intimacy. Learn to live openly and be vulnerable.

Some of you of course will regress back to your old life or find some other path. But to those who think they deserve a chance with something better then know this. The beginning of your journey has barely started. Your practice of being open and vulnerable has barely started. You have to go through the trials of learning to be okay with your sexual desire. And you have to learn to express your gifts of love in the face of rejection.

This will not be an easy journey at all. At times, you will question whether you are with the right woman. And definitely at times, you will regress back into sexual frustration. This is the challenge of learning to be a 3rd Stage man. It is a commitment and discipline that is hard-earned. This is the path to learning to achieve sexual freedom.