"...“the women profiled in this chapter devalued virginity...”
From the moment I was born until now, I had zero sexual partners. This was a fact that I was very ashamed of and something I didn’t want to confront. I couldn’t live with the fact that I had no sexual experience. In fact, I put a lot of effort into basing my self-worth around how much sexual experience I had. Naturally, you can imagine how much self-esteem I actually had in real life.
The main reason why I was so horrible with women is because of Nice Guy Syndrome. This mean that I was either being friendzoned by the women i pursued or I was completely avoiding sexual or romantic interactions with any women at all. This was my romantic/sexual life with women for many years. Until I began to face my fear of meeting women.
And this was how I began learning how to approach and seduce women. And so was my introduction to the world of pick-up artistry. This was a term referring to a highly controversial way of meeting women, and in my opinion, something that would be controversial always. Despite the negative perception that people have on pickup artists, I was determined on meeting and dating as many women as I can (through pickup).
The idea of approaching women on the street told me that I would be getting firsthand experience on what women were like. However this was not the case. My interactions on the street were usually quite short and not always insightful at all. I was hungry for knowledge as I wanted to understand more about men, women and sex from other sources. And that’s how i stumbled upon evolutionary psychology. My first post “Why women are so materialistic and how to deal with it.”, also talks about evolutionary psychology through David Buss’s book, The Evolution of Desire.
In this post, I will talk about David Buss’s & Cindy Meston’s book, Why Women have Sex. And the answer to the book’s title is complicated enough to fill an entire book. Each chapter in this book, addresses a major conceptual reason behind as to why women have sex. Some of the content is familiar and may seem as common sense, and others may appear to be playing into gender stereotypes.
What this book meant for me was to further my understanding of women. This book showed me that unlearning certain truths I knew about women was essential if I was to progress and become the person I wanted to be. And the first truth I had to unlearn was that being physically attractive was NOT the only thing that attracted women.
In Chapter 1(What Turns Women on?), we are introduced to what characteristics are women turned on by. I was expecting the characteristics that most attractive men would have and that I didn’t have. And why wouldn’t I? All my life it seemed that these men would get all the female attention that they wanted.
And so the start of this chapter introduces obvious characteristics of handsomeness, height and deepness of one’s voice. Which was interesting, as the authors explain the scientific reasons behind the appeal of such characteristics. However, what I was actually interested in would be the characteristics that do not have to do with physical attraction. And these characteristics would be self-confidence and humor.
These are the characteristics that are not won in the genetic lottery and yet they still create sexual attraction. But how? What is the scientific reason behind the appeal of these 2 characteristics?
And here’s the first explanation for the characteristic of humor.
“A great body is attractive, but however as I get older, personality becomes more and more important. Someone who’s funny can make you feel more comfortable and relaxed, and a clever wit is attractive in itself.”. -heterosexual woman, age 38 (pp 70).
This quote is to show readers how sexually attractive humor can be for some women. And that’s a good thing. This is a perfect example showing us men that we do not have to win the genetic lottery in order to be sexually attractive. But why does humor make you sexually attractive? Is telling the funniest jokes the answer behind the sexual attraction of humor? Probably not.
In fact, the answer is more related to a woman’s feelings. And the reason that is the case is because humor leads to laughing which elicits a positive mood. (pp 70). Research in this chapter shows that women can be socially conditioned into feeling more attracted to someone if they’re constantly experiencing positive feelings.
“...studies have found that when women view photographs of strangers while enjoyable music is playing, they are more attracted to them than when they listen to music they find unappealing.”. (pp 71).
What I read from this is that it’s not so much about making a woman laugh all the time. But it's about how much positive emotional impact you can have on a woman. You may not always be telling the funniest jokes around a woman, however your presence and interaction with her can continuously have a positive emotional impact on her.
With that said, being a funny guy is still good, however humor is more of a complementary trait to another trait that I mentioned earlier. Self-confidence.
“I had a relationship with someone who was very, very ugly but who made me laugh. He was very self- confident, as funny people tend to be I guess, so that was what attracted me to him.” -heterosexual woman, age 29. (pp 71)
This woman’s testimony seems to explain that self-confidence can be the deciding factor when it comes to being with a woman. This guy was able to make her laugh but it seems that his self-confidence was what attracted her to him. Which is good as these two are in a relationship, however how does self-confidence work during the initial stages of courtship? Can it help a stranger like me to get to know a hot stranger at a bar?
Jerald Cloyd, (a sociologist), interviewed women at a singles bar. One woman described men who “just seem to know what they are doing. They know how to approach you and make you feel good.”. (pp72).
It is implied in this research example that there is a seducer elite: a group of men more experienced when it comes to approaching women than other men. I make the assumption here that it is the self-confidence, social skills and humor that distinguishes this seducer elite from the average male. This seducer elite might also have genetic qualities(handsomeness, height, voice) that benefit them, however my main takeaway from this research example is that one can learn enter this seducer elite if one wants to.
The majority of this chapter doesn’t tell you how to cultivate the non-genetic qualities like self-confidence and humor to your benefit. But it does show that these qualities do benefit certain men who haven’t won the genetic lottery. Self-confidence, social skills, and humor can be learned, but you have to learn them elsewhere.(dating gurus, pick-up artists etc.) I believe this is a hard-learned process that takes a lot of time and failures before getting results.
With that said, here is a pair of my favorite pickup gurus that talk about self-confidence.
I hope they can provide as much insight for you as they have for me.
Moving on in this book, I found another chapter that highlighted another truth I was starting to unlearn. And this truth would be that the majority of women didn’t enjoy sex. They were boring creatures who only liked to have sex once in awhile and most certainly not for the pleasure of it. As pathetic as this may sound, this was actually something that I had to work really hard to break free from. My interactions with women on the street helped to show me that women were not shy at all, however this book helped to confirm the real truth that there is a sizeable portion of women that are sexually adventurous.
So the core understanding when it comes to meeting or picking up women is that some women do have sex just for the pleasure of it. And this understanding is very important for any guy who wants to be a great seducer. In order to be successful in pick-up, one has to understand that
there is a chance that a girl whom you’ve just met a couple days ago might like you and want to sleep with you. This should absolutely not be a surprise at all for guys intending on approaching women.
And so when I started reading Chapter 2 (The Pleasure of It) of this book, I wasn’t surprised to find anecdotes supporting the core understanding I just mentioned.
“I have in the past had sexual relationships with men who were strictly friends just for the pleasure of having sex. In terms of emotions, there really weren’t any except the fear that the guy might end up wanting more.”. -heterosexual woman, age 27 (pp 83).
The truth revealed behind this anecdote IS that women love having sex. And sometimes, they might even want sex with you just for the pleasure of having sex, and nothing else. But why? Why would women want to have sex with men even just for the pleasure of it. Is there anything more to say about this newfound truth?
Chapter 7(A sense of adventure) reveals some interesting facts that could explain this controversial and unpopular opinion about women’s sexual nature.
The authors say that “the women profiled in this chapter(7) devalued virginity.”, and more importantly “they place a high premium on sexual pleasure- their own pleasure.”. (pp 308).
And so this chapter returns again to the understanding that women enjoy sex for the pleasure of it. But hang on, there is more.
Later on in this chapter it is also said that certain women are more open to opportunities of experiencing pleasure. And that it is a woman’s personality which may explain this kind of behavior. (pp 306). A woman’s personality could determine the number of sexual partners that she has, and this is linked to certain personality traits.
These personality traits are extraversion and impulsiveness. Extraversion means people who are more sociable and extraverted, and impulsiveness is someone that does things based on their personal urges.(pp 306). So from these two personality traits, it seems correct to say that women who are more sociable and impulsive are the women more likely to have casual sexual encounters.
Keep in mind, that this chapter just talks about one of the many reasons why women have sex. This book also mentions other reasons such as emotional connection, love, revenge, mate poaching and the boosting of one’s self esteem. Women have sex for all sorts of reasons. The sections of this book that I highlighted appealed to me the most because they showed me that it was ok as a man to want sex, and this is because there were certain women out there who also wanted sex.
Many people will disagree with the way i have promoted this book, or the reasons as to why i chose to read it. In fact, most people will hate the fact that this book is being promoted at all. Despite the hate that may be directed at the content of this book, the authors Cindy Meston and David Buss have worked extremely hard to show the public the expansive and diverse reasons as to why women have sex. Their content strives to be truthful through context, evidence and their objective reasoning.