Why Boost Self-esteem in the first place?
What is self-esteem and why boost it in the first place? Do we need it because we’re lost in life? Or do we need it because we want to stop feeling like a loser? Nathaniel Branden’s Six pillars of self-esteem will show you answers you’ve never considered before. This book is probably considered one of the best books ever released on self-esteem, and praised by many dating coaches as well.
First of all let’s look at Branden’s definition for self-esteem.
It is the life experience where we have the
confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life; and .
confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts. “.
Keeping this definition in mind, we should understand that high-levels of self-esteem equips us with a unique set of tools for achieving a much more fulfilling life. We may have great social and people’s skills, but low self-esteem could affect the quality of relationships we cultivate. We may have lots of professional talent, but low self-esteem could sabotage our career growth. This is why we need high levels of self-esteem. This is the survival value of self-esteem and our basic need for it.
Without self-esteem our ability to deal with life’s challenges is affected. By boosting self-esteem we are increasing our chances of facing life’s challenges with greater resilience. And we are allowing ourselves the confidence to make better life choices.
Understand that there is no such thing as too much self-esteem. This is the same as saying your immune system is too healthy. Every one of us can learn to benefit with higher levels of self-esteem, no matter where we find ourselves in our life. Whether it is our love life, our work life, our friendships or personal growth, we all could use more self-esteem.
How does our low self-esteem affect our process of attracting women?
Our low self-esteem may be reflected by our belief that we’re a loser, and that we don’t deserve a fulfilling relationship with a woman we want. It is every negative experience we’ve had with a woman manifested into a life script. And unfortunately we’ve settled for this life script as our destiny.
Our brain thinks it's our destiny, and will tell us to behave in certain ways to reinforce our belief that we’re a loser. Our brain is wired to affirm this core belief. So if a woman may show signs of interest towards us, our brain tells us it is safer to assume that it is fake interest or an ulterior motive. If something disproves our belief that we’re a loser this can cause anxiety.
For example, if a beautiful woman starts responding to you well in person, this might throw you off very much. This cognitive dissonance of something neutral or positive happening going against your core belief of negative outcomes will start to cause anxiety. Your throat might start getting dry. Your chest tightens as your heart rate goes up.
This power that our brain has over us is huge. And it may seem like an insurmountable task to learn how to attract women. How can you ever expect to boost your self-esteem? The answer isn’t simple but nor is it impossible. For those who are brave enough to face this life challenge, they will learn soon enough that it is a mental process that requires a lot of resilience.
How does self-efficacy(component of self-esteem) relate to learning to attract women?
Attracting women that you just met can be the hardest thing that you do. This is a painful process filled with rejection, embarrassment and self-doubt. It is a real life challenge and struggle. However if we learn to trust our own process and experience with women. We are developing our self-efficacy (first component of self-esteem).
Remember that self-efficacy is our confidence in our ability to think, and confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life. It is a mental process that includes our ability to judge, think and make decisions despite the magnitude of the challenge itself. Because of this, there is an innate self trust and reliance on our own mental process. Without this self-trust and reliance on our own mental process, our ability to achieving our life goals will be affected.
The same goes with our own experiences with women. We have to develop a self-trust and reliance in our own mental process and abilities to achieve success with women. It also goes without saying that we should seek out experts to teach us how to attract women. However if we don’t develop a confidence in our own mental process and abilities then we can find ourselves giving up very easily. We can’t build a reliance on expert’s advice and instructions to fix our lives. We have learn to be confident enough to face the challenge on our own.
Learning to attract women shouldn’t just be some life hack that you seek. It should be a path for you to discover your own mental independence and to cultivate abilities you know you can rely on.
How does self-respect relate to learning how to attract women?
The first component of self-esteem is the mental independence and confidence to cope with life’s challenges. The second component is self-respect.
Self-respect is our confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.
When we accept the fact that we need a quality woman in our life and that it is a basic need, this is self-respect. This acceptance reflects our conviction of our own value. We believe that we are worthy enough for a quality relationship with a quality woman. Therefore we expect a quality woman in our lives.
And when we start expecting it we should also reflect that in our actions. We need to understand that we also deserve to learn the steps in order to attract a quality woman. As we learn to assert what we want into the process of finding a quality woman, we can also eventually learn to enjoy the success behind being with a quality woman.
All the time and energy that we pour into pursuing a quality woman will then also cultivate the self-respect we need to boost our self-esteem.
Learning to experience and take rejection will boost your self-esteem
One big reason why we think we can’t cope with meeting women is because of rejection. Our fear of rejection has such a strong hold on us. We’re scared of the emotional pain that rejection brings us, and because of this fear we decide that this life challenge is not worth taking.
And this is nothing to be ashamed of. However, if we do learn to cope with this life challenge then we learn something new. We learn to start talking to women on a regular basis and experiencing rejection. We learn to experience the pain of rejection. And over time we will see that rejection is just part of the mental process.
What exactly is this process? The answer to that are two components. Number one: experiencing the defeat. Number two:accepting it and moving on.
From my own experience of approaching female strangers, I can say that the first rejection you get will hit you quite hard. You start experiencing feelings of self-shame, self-doubt and fear of abandonment. Your world feels shattered and your ego obliterated. And then you tell yourself this is the worst feeling that you’ve ever felt. This is the internal struggle that goes on in the first component of the process. This is experiencing the defeat that is rejection.
Step two however is actually much easier. It simply involves you to start taking deep breaths after you are no longer with the woman. Take a seat and let your feelings overtake your whole body. Feel all those feelings in your mind, and let it consume your entire body. While maintaining slow deep breaths. After another long minute, you’ll realize that those feelings are disappearing. You will finally realize that you’re feeling better and that you’ve survived the emotional torture. And that you defeated it easily with a few minutes of rest and deep breathing.
The acceptance of the defeat was embracing those feelings and letting it consume you. And the moving on is whatever learning action you take next.(approaching the next woman, or continuing about your day).
This is how rejection number 1 can be handled effectively. But hold on, there’s also rejection 2, 3 and 4. Will you be able to handle these rejections? Yes you will. Just like how your survived rejection 1, you can certainly survive the huge numbers of rejections that follow it.
Over time you will reach a high number of rejections and reach a realization about yourself: that you’re a strong person. By rejection 100 you will have built a resilience against the emotions you initially thought would destroy you. You will find that this is a resilience not only towards rejections but also other obstacles in your life.This is the power of learning to take rejections. This is how we boost our self-esteem.
And this is the behavior pattern of people with high self-esteem. You learn to experience and accept defeat. And you learn to move on. No matter how hard they get knocked down or defeated,the people with the highest self-esteems are always quick in picking themselves back up again.
So as students of self-esteem, this is the behavior pattern that we all want to learn and internalize. We don’t want to be the person that stays knocked down and defeated. We want to learn to pick ourselves up quickly and pursue our goals immediately.
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Learning to feel good about success will also boost your self-esteem
As much as fear of rejection can affect our behavior, fear of success is also an internal enemy we have to battle. Nathaniel Branden calls this fear of success: success anxiety. And it is something else that one needs to overcome in order to attain a higher level of self-esteem.
In this battle our brain is our enemy. It tells us that whatever seems like success is not actually real, or something that will not last long enough, or something that we don’t deserve. As a result, we can often behave accordingly to these messages that our brain sends us.
And how do we behave accordingly to these messages? We get nervous. Anxiety sinks in and a lump builds up in our throat. We even freeze up and our mind turns blank. This is what happens when we encounter the slightest signs of success or progress with a woman. In the face of something that disproves our core belief that we attract negative results, we suddenly don’t know how to function.
And it really sucks. With our brain being such a powerful force how does one get better with attracting women at all? One way is to continuously condition ourselves to minor successful results. An example would be to get a woman’s number. The first time this happens your brain might hardly believe it! You might get really nervous and not know how to handle it from there. Do you hand her your phone? Does she give you a missed call? All these thoughts might be catapulting and ricocheting around the walls of your brain.
But this is only just a initial first-time reaction. Over continuous exposure to getting a woman’s number, the thoughts in your head will feel less crippling. Those thoughts will not seem like symptoms leading of a fatal disease, but more as extreme minor side-effects of a mental itch that barely concerns you. It is through conditioning of these minor successes that you begin to accept receiving a woman’s number as a new reality.
And this is something good. But something else should go along with experiencing our successes. And Nathaniel Branden calls this thing pride. Pride is being able to experience the emotional reward of an achievement. And it is not bragging or boasting about our success. It is our ability to experience pleasure from our successes.
This is something we can learn over time. Over time we can learn to experience emotional pleasure for our achievements. One achievement is the simple act of approaching a woman in public. Even though the interaction didn’t lead to a phone number, we can learn to give ourselves an emotional reward for our will to act. We can reward ourselves for putting the effort to unlearn the idea that we’re not worthy enough to approach a woman and express our interest.
By learning to have pride in our simple achievements, we can also begin to sense fulfillment in our lives. This is important because when we do achieve something big we want to experience the full magnitude of our success. We want to feel extreme pride. We don’t want to be in a position where we feel we haven’t done enough, or even question whether we deserve to feel pride.
Learn to enjoy your successes and boost that self-esteem.