In today’s dialogue about dating and relationships, we always hear women complaining that “men are such wimps”, “men are too soft” or that “men no longer know how to be men”. Why so much dissatisfaction from women? And is all the fault of their dissatisfaction to be placed on men?
Here are suggestions to this dissatisfaction from women towards men.
- The popularized message that men have to embrace their feelings in order to attract women. This has backfired in that men are becoming more needy instead of being vulnerable.
- Men place too much of their self-worth based on how much approval they get from women. This is known as Nice Guy Syndrome.
- The lack of positive male role models for men to learn from when it comes to dating & relationships.
All these suggestions hold some validity and explain the dissatisfaction that women have with men, however it implies that the problem is one-sided. And it isn’t. The dissatisfaction that women have with men is equally reflected through the dissatisfaction that men have with women.
As true as it is that women may perceive modern men to be soft and wimpy, we cannot ignore that men perceive modern women to be aggressive and controlling.
The underlying problem that both sexes face has to do with sexual polarity. This is a concept that is the heart of David Deida’s book, Intimate Communion.
Whatever dissatisfaction that both sexes have has to do with the lack of understanding with sexual polarity. Sexual polarity is the “magnetic pull or repulsion between the Masculine and Feminine”. This pull or push force affects our lives everyday.
It is a natural force created by two opposing poles of energy, the Masculine and Feminine.
We feel the force of sexual polarity through an attractive stranger’s presence. Our heart rate may increase, we may feel our bodies getting slightly warmer and our physical posture changing.
The same is for me when i’m speaking with an attractive stranger on the street. My heart will be pounding. I might become self-conscious as to what I’m saying. Her eye-contact, laugh or smile might send a jolt of pleasure through my body.
This concept of natural force created by opposing poles is similar to our understanding of magnets. In order for there to be a push or pull force within magnets, there needs to be a north and south pole. Masculine and Feminine are therefore opposing poles of energy.
We also feel the force of sexual polarity affect us in the environments we are in → especially when a member of the opposite sex enters this environment.
This explains my behavior when an attractive stranger enters the same room that i’m in. The sudden presence of this attractive stranger suddenly disrupts my previous state, and brings me into a new psychological and physical state.
Masculine and Feminine
David Deida describes the Masculine and the Feminine as not necessarily being either “man” or “woman”, but as universal forces. And that both a man and a woman have the capacity to animate Masculine and Feminine energy.
Based on Deida’s mass studies, there are those who are predominantly Masculine, predominantly feminine and those who are neutral. This means a neutral energy that is well-balanced by both energies.
Masculine energy is known to be directional, focused, goal-oriented and self-disciplined energy.
We see ourselves using our masculine energy when we’re at work, or working on a project for school, or even when it concerns a hobby of ours that requires a lot of focus. (sports, craftsmanship.).
Feminine energy is known to be flowing, open, wild and radiant. We see ourselves using our feminine energy when we’re trying to relax on vacation, soaking in a hot tub, or even hanging and chilling with our friends.
Deida brings us further into understanding relationships by introducing sexual essences. Sexual essence is a spectrum of behavior that can be charged with Masculine or Feminine energy. Sexual essence is described as a spectrum of “expressions of the heart”, which also means the way we want to be loved, receive affection and desire for union.
On one end of the sexual essence spectrum there is the masculine, and on the other end there is the feminine. On this spectrum, some of us may have a more masculine, neutral or feminine sexual essence. With that said, each of us wants a partner that loves us in a more masculine, feminine or neutral way.
(David Deida also includes a survey in this book, that could reveal your sexual essence.)
Even though as men, we are capable of having a more feminine or more neutral sexual essence, the majority of us ( roughly 80%) have a more masculine sexual essence. But this masculine essence is not reflected through the behavior of the majority of men. This is because in our modern culture today, we are told that we should be animating more neutral or feminine energy.
We have become so used to animating our neutral or feminine energy, that we have ignored our masculine sexual essence.
The Danger of Gender Equality and 50/50
Gender Equality today has taught us that relationships have to be built on 50/50. We no longer want men to play the role of a “provider” and women to play the role of “housewife”. A provider and housewife dynamic is no longer the way we want to approach relationships.
50/50 is built on the idea that Men and Women are the same. And that gender is a social construct. This has led to ignoring the inherent Masculine or Feminine in each one of us, and believing that there is no difference between men and women. Because of this, a 50/50 relationship means that two independent people should split everything equally in the relationship.
This means that anything could be split and negotiated for within the relationship. This could be from anything from taking turns choosing where to eat, doing household chores, or running errands etc. Everything within the relationship will be properly monitored and negotiated for( just so that the relationship will be “equal”). This kills intimate moments within the relationship almost definitely. And the relationship feels more like a business arrangement rather than a passionate union.
As men, many of us are stuck in 50/50 dynamics everyday. Because of this we are what Deida calls being “sexually neutralized.”. We are taught by our male and female peers that embracing our emotions and being vulnerable is good for us. And it is. We should learn to embrace the feminine that is in us. But we shouldn’t shy away from our overall inherent Masculine.
Politically speaking, the label of “toxic masculinity” is the problem. It indirectly implies that anything inherently masculine is toxic. Because of this many of us men rely on animating more neutral or feminine energy in order to avoid being seen as too masculine. We hate and fear the idea of being called out as too “aggressive”, “controlling” or “arrogant.”. However, we are happy to allow women to embody these characteristic behaviors because this gives them to the freedom to pursue a lifestyle that they want.
Men want to be seen as “loving”, “compassionate” and “flexible”. However it seems that these characteristics aren’t giving us the power to be in touch with our masculine force.
I constantly observe men fighting and doing their best to remain neutral when they interact with people, especially around women. They fear being perceived as someone with negative feelings. If they’re feeling anxiety, stress, anger, jealousy they are hardly able to express these emotions around women. This fear of being perceived as someone having negative feelings is also because of Nice Guy Syndrome.
As for myself, I’m fighting extremely hard to be as expressive as I can when I’m around women. The rare moments when I express my feelings around female friends seem to throw them off or even distress them. I’ve been described in these rare moments as being too “angsty” and have even been told to calm down. But this isn’t possible at all.
My actions carry opinions that have strong emotions tied to them. What’s the point of doing what I do without expressing the emotional opinions behind them? To me, this indicates that women are uncomfortable when faced with this negative masculine energy of mine. And for good reason as well.
These opinions carry a direction and have purpose. And they are charged with negative feelings such as anger, sadness and pain. This is what throws women off instinctively because for women: men who are angry and with a purpose are bad. This is the logic behind toxic masculinity.
The Space That Divides Us
The main reason why we find women too “controlling” and “aggressive” nowadays is because the majority of them have entered the masculine educational and corporate system. In these hyper-competitive environments, women have learned to develop a masculine energy in order to compete with their peers and to get ahead.
Because of this, Deida suggests that women have developed their masculine energy for positive reasons, however they have lost touch of their feminine sexual essence. This masculine energy will also be brought over to relationships as well. Women who pride themselves on their well-developed masculine energy will definitely want the space to animate their masculine energy.
This space is created by men who don’t want to appear controlling or aggressive. By holding back on their masculine, men are giving women the space to animate their masculine energy. This is one reason why male partners find their female partners too controlling or aggressive.
And so when men want to animate their masculine energy in a relationship, women who want to animate masculine energy will feel that they’re losing space in the relationship. Women become angry at their men, and men become angry at their women.
This stalemate can be broken, and it comes down to men knowing what they want in a feminine partner.
Based on Deida’s mass studies of men across the world, the top qualities men want in their intimate partner are:
- Sexual Openess
- Trust of their man’s direction
- Support of their man’s vision
- Healthy Radiance
I believe that number 3 and 4 are probably the most important things that men have to tackle. We fear that a women won’t trust in our direction, and that she might even force us to follow their lead. We hate to feel powerless and emasculated in a relationship. How then do we get a woman that will trust in our direction and support our vision?
The first step towards this is to lose our false sexual character of neutral or feminine, and to begin animating our inherent masculine. The more we’re in tune with our inherent masculine, the more likely we will be attracting women in tune with their inherent feminine. This is a given.
We will lose out and keep on attracting women with masks of masculine energy if we ourselves keep up our masks of feminine energy. Deida calls these men who keep up a mask of neutral or feminine energy as “Safe” men.
Instead of being a “safe” man, we should be learning how to animate our masculine energy and understand our own masculine sexual essence.
A long time ago, I met a beautiful woman that was very feminine. I sensed this through the way she dressed, her physical behavior and non-abrasive way of placing herself in my life. She didn’t try to fix who I was, but instead did what she could to complement and support me.
It was a very special thing that this woman trusted so strongly in where i was in my life, and supported what i was doing. This was an entirely new feeling as I lacked the self-confidence and conviction in what I was doing, but this woman still seemed to believe in me.
It was only after we stopped talking that I realized what I had truly lost. When I thought i had direction, she was there to trust it. When I thought I had a vision, she was there to support it. But now when I’m finally feeling stronger, no, she’s not around at all.
As we unleash our masculine energy onto the world, we have to look out for women who openly receive it. Our masculine energy has to have a purpose. It can wreak havoc and bring harm into this world, or we charge our energy with love and use it to find a woman worthy of our love.
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